My problem encompasses both my work and my significant other – my boyfriend. He is an over-the-road (OTR) truck driver, driving the 48 continental US and I am his administrative assistant. I do go out with him over the road, because it is nearly impossible for me to be in constant communication with him at all times. Aspects of my job working for him include, but are not limited to:
* All written and oral communication with the company to whom he is leased to; including his dispatcher and payroll.
* All written and oral communication with the clients whose loads he delivers.
* All of his paperwork: logbook, financials (this requires a lot of work on my part as he is leasing his truck) budgets for the business as well as personal, etc.
* All of the scheduling of maintenance work needing to be done, whether it is preventive or not.
* All of the paperwork dealing with the accountant.
* All the routing and stopping points within the route for breaks and fuel. I also search the internet daily for all the fueling spots between 4 major truck stops for the cheapest fuel to keep costs down.
Needless to say, he may drive 70 hours a week, but I do at least that amount of work along side him. On top of all this, I also carry 12 credits each term in school, with my lowest overall course grade this term being at 91%. I put a lot of time into my school as well. On average, I sleep 2-3 hours per day if that. I am often up continuously for 2-3 days, sometimes more. He gets an average of 8 hours of sleep every night.
While I like my job, and the ability it gives me to do my homework in between; something that many other jobs would not afford me to do, I have a really difficult time working with him. We have been together for over a year and doing this work arrangement for a year now. We have had major problems with this arrangement for almost the same amount of time. Prior to our working together, thus being in an 8 X 10 “cell” together 24/7, he treated me with respect. He was sweet; always the romantic. He was always there to help me, and was a saint working with me through the after math of my rape. However, almost right from the start of our working in the truck, he turned 180 degrees on me and is very condescending to me, screams at me throughout each day and from this, I feel like I am less than human. I have endured this treatment day in and day out, missing my kids back home for over a year. One might wonder why I have put up with this for so long? I wrestle with the question on a daily basis. I yearn to be back home with my kids, but I have to work and make money to provide food and shelter for them. Because of my attack, I have not been able to go into a public place more than a dozen times over the past year. I am literally petrified at the thought of going into a Wal*Mart store or being seen by other people. I have tried numerous times to “face my fear” and it has always ended with me having a panic attack. In this situation, I am able to work and make money and not have to go out into the work setting when I am clearly not ready for that yet.
Considering the applications of the Conflict Resolution Process, I have tried a myriad of techniques in order to try to work out our employment situation as well as our relationship. I have become extremely frustrated as nothing has done any good in changing the situation for the better.
Step 1) Decide whether you have a misunderstanding or a true disagreement.
With the close proximity that we have in the truck, everything is shared. The good, the bad and the half going mad! I have, on many occasions, talked to him. I have shared with him how I feel when he screams at me and when I feel he is demeaning me. Admittedly, there have been times when I have been less than diplomatic about talking to him. I have been frustrated for such a long time about this. It has made me angry, but now I am full of rage. When I talk to him about these things, the response I get is both nothing or he will be quiet and when he thinks I am done, he will immediately delve into a demand for information regarding the job, routing, hours left on the drive line in the log book, weather, etc. I have then talked to him about my talking to him; letting him know that I feel ignored and that I need him to hear me. I have told him that I feel really hurt and I know he knows I often cry about the hurt I feel. He tells me there is nothing that he can do. This is the way he is. On a couple of rare intimate conversations, he has told me that he knows he has a “bad temper” and that he needs “help for it” but since he is a truck driver, he can’t go to the doctor. I volunteered to set up an appointment for him, and he thanked me and asked me to go ahead and do it. I did and he cancelled them.
He and I agree on a lot of things in life, both personally and what the job entails. We don’t seem to have a problem with agreement. It seems to be more of a misunderstanding; although I can’t fathom why he doesn’t understand me. I understand him just fine! I understand that he doesn’t care and I don’t know why.
Step 2) Define the problem and collect the facts.
I think that the preface to step one clearly spells that out.
Step 3) Clarify perceptions.
Okay…he tells me that his ex-wife treated him so badly by screaming at him all the time and making him feel like he’s stupid – that’s the reason that he is the way he is today. Hmmm, sound familiar? It sure does to me. And lest we not forget that there are always two sides to every story. And speaking of ex-wife….she’s not his ex….at least not yet! They are still married. He has not even seen her in two years, so….what is he waiting around for? He adamantly and vehemently denies wanting her back, but his lack of seeking a divorce says otherwise. I don’t think that I am being to demanding here. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he wants no one but me. He tells me that he can’t buy me an engagement ring because he isn’t divorced yet. He tells me he wants to marry me; that his marriage is just a piece of paper standing in the way…..*gag* am I supposed to throw my arms around him and say “YES! I will marry you – that is a sweet thing to say!” (??) I don’t think so…sorry Charlie. I tell him I have had enough and that I want out of the relationship – his response to me is there’s the door. No love lost there, huh?
Step 4) Generate options for mutual gain.
Hmmm, ok. I stay with him – he makes more money and gets what he wants. Me? I get (another) migraine. Yep…gettin’ em about every day now. I should buy stock in Vikaden and Relpex. Remind me to do that later, will ya? I don’t see that we can work this out for mutual gain. I mean that would take both of us trying to make it work. He is just sitting there on his dead ass waiting for me to “let it blow over” and for things to get back to normal – which is me taking all his shit again. It’s like beating a dead horse. I can’t and therefore won’t even try to change him. I have wasted too many years of my life doing that with other men and I am not going to even attempt it with him. I am a mother of three children that I am trying to raise to the best of my ability and keep my sanity. I can’t afford mentally to try and raise a boyfriend or another husband! Go home to your Mama, boy! Let her finish the job she started.
Step 5) Implement options with integrity.
Well, I need to define those options, since step four is pointless at this juncture. My options are:
* Option I – Stay in the relationship; being miserable – not able to give and receive the love and respect that I need. I want very much to be close to him, but he is so hateful. I decided that if I was dead, he’d be happy. Why should I stay with that? That isn’t a relationship – certainly not one that I want to be a part of! With the rape and the torture that I have endured in my life, I need someone to take care of me! Loving care. He promised the other day to rub lotion on my aching, swollen feet. Of course, he didn’t. Then, when I pointed out to him that I had been looking forward to that (ehem! Loving moment) he got angry with me! He had volunteered to do it in the first place! So then he decides he’s going to do it right now! And bitches and complains about wanting to get this done and that done and now he can’t cuz he has to do this and there won’t be time afterward…Having swollen feet, they hurt. I look forward to him rubbing them softly, and soothing them. Riiiiiiiiiiiight! He grabs them, yanks my socks off which feels as if he has tried to amputate my feet with a dull knife. I shriek because it hurt so bad it took my breath away. Then, he begins pounding on my feet with his fingertips which he screamed at me that he had to use, instead of his palm like I asked. It feels like my feet are going to explode from the pounding. He screams he’s not doing it that hard to which I look at him and he has his whole body weight leaned into my foot. Not that hard, huh? My foot! (No pun intended) From the look of it you would have thought that he was trying to grind solid cement with his bare hands. The whole time he is doing this, I am screaming from the major pain that I am in. I can hardly breathe and feel as though the world is spinning – like I am in the gravitron; one of those rides at the fair that spin you senseless. You can see that there is puke flying all around you, but there is nothing that you can do to avoid it or get away from it. Naturally and instinctively my toes curl when he is doing this kneading of the bottoms of my feet and he screams for me to stop doing that and yanks again on my leg. I try to tell him I can’t help it – that it’s a natural reaction that I have always had – I open my mouth, but the pain is so intense that the words don’t come out. I feel sick; like I am going to throw up. I feel the veins in my head and eyes pounding like they are going to implode. By now I am bawling uncontrollably. He tells me he had to do it; there were knots in my feet. Does he hold me and tell me he’s sorry he had to hurt me to make them feel better? No. He screams it at me. I want our relationship to work out; I really love him…..
* But not that much! Option II - Or leave…My god! Do I have to be in constant miserable pain; physical, emotional and mental anguish – yet listen to his daily monterage of how much pain he is in? His hip, his back, his legs, his latest boo boo….daily! Thank God he’s not a horse; they would have put a bullet in him a long time ago. It’s amazing that he is able to move any extremity on his body! Oh! But he had a serious car accident in ’96. Guess what? So was I! Coinkiedink, huh? Oh! But his was so much worse! It was head on! Well, I was Oreo in the middle and 9 months pregnant! But his accident was so much worse…yep. Someone wanna remind me why this is a contest? I hear about his accident day in and day out. He knows that heat is something that I hate. He wants the truck to be a constant 350 degree oven…I swear my buns are baking. The heat brings on massive nose bleeds for me. Who cares? I cannot breathe – no big deal. He’s cold! Call the National Guard and declare a state of emergency! And when he’s hot? Oh geeze! I am forced to sit in my sweat pants and hoodie in July because he is trying to induce January as the next month to begin now!
Decisions decisions….
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